blue_spruce | Double Bind Commentary, Part 2 (Reply)

Alright, a bunch of you asked about future things:

I STILL WANT EVEN A NOTFIC TIMESTAMP. JUST YOUR FUTURE HEADCANON. IF YOU PLEASE!!!

and this next one is more of a future thing, so i understand if you don’t have/don’t want an answer to this, but what happens with their families? do either of them ever get any sort of reconciliation?

Here is what I would want in a DVD commentary, although I guess this is also future fic: what happens with Patrick and the church? Does he stick it out with his job? Does he find a more progressive church to work at? His degree at Liberty was just a bachelors, right? Does he *cough cough* go to seminary in Chicago?

I talked a little bit in the last post about what I think happens in the future with Jonny and Patrick's families; there is always some sort of relationship there, although I think Patrick's family ends up being more supportive than Jonny's.

As far as Patrick's relationship with church, he ends up moving on from the church he started out in. Singeli suggested that maybe he becomes the youth director at Shalom, and that idea made me so happy. I think that finding a job in a more liberal church would be a really good thing for Patrick, a way for him to start internalizing new ways of being; giving him a new, supportive community. (It would be also be great if he could find a seminary to go to that would give him tools to rethink the destructive teachings he's been given his whole life).

Someone asked me for fic from Tyler's POV, and I am definitely tucking that away to work on in the future.

Okay, so, have some chatfic:

Singeli

... also i'm thinking about a future!pat and jonny from this 'verse now

ohhhhh

yesss

please

tell me what happens

Singeli

like, waaaaaay in the future, 10-15 years when they've gotten their stuff sorted out

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

timestamps?!?!?!

Singeli

and idk where they're living, but it's together

and maybe pat's working at this local youth center

and there's this kid who's hanging out there all the time

and one day, pat notices, he's there with this massive backpack

Singeli

and he stays all day, til the youth center closes at 10 pm

and pat passes him in the parking lot, the kid looks a little lost

"hey mike, everything alright there?"

"oh! uh. yeah, everything's... yeah okay."

"it's kinda late, need a ride home? or someone to wait with you at the bus?"

ahhh cryinggggg

Singeli

"no! i mean. no, it's good"

and pat KNOWS, he knows something is wrong, but he's not sure if now is the right time to push

so he goes to his car and starts driving, curses, swings into the mcdonald's drive thru, and buys a big mac

and then turns and drives back towards the youth center

(mike is still there, standing on the curb, fiddling with the cuffs of his sweatshirt)

oh nooo bb

Singeli

"hey, mike, if no one can pick you up, you can come back to my place for the night or at least until someone can come get you"

mike looks torn for a split second before making a beeline for the passenger seat

(i love that he knows it will be okay w/ jonny)

Singeli

kaner nonchalantly offers him the big mac

he tells mike that tazer asked him to pick up food, and just as he was pulling out of mickey d's, tazer texted him to say oh, never mind, i got something myself, because tazer is lovably irritating like that

pat keeps up a steady chatter and pretends not to notice as mike wolfs down the big mac

again: D:

if you could see my face rn

Singeli

so pat brings him back to the little house he shares with jonny

all it takes is a raised eyebrow from jonny and half a shake of the head from pat and mike's sitting at the kitchen table, no questions asked

and mike is out -- sort of -- obliquely -- in a kind of implied hypothetical way -- to pat

and pat is open about his life and his partner, who is the hottest, douchiest, closet romantic this side of the mississippi

so... mike knows

is he curious?

does he know other gay couples?

Singeli

and now at the kitchen table jonny says he's gonna go switch on the game

and pat sits down next to mike

"mike," he says, his voice so, so gentle, "there wasn't anybody coming to pick you up tonight, was there?"

*cries*

)':

Singeli

mike looks at pat, and for a split second pat thinks he's misjudged, mike's gonna lie to him and bolt, but then it's like mike's face breaks into pieces

"i told them," he chokes, "i told them, and i thought they'd be pissed, that he'd hate me, want me to promise to be good, to try girls, but he just s-said 'get out' and mom l-let him"

pat does some quick mental math. mike is sixteen, old enough to leave if he wants, old enough that the state can't force him to go home.

use those math skillz pat!

Singeli

"okay," pat says, "okay."

"no," mike says, "it's not okay, it's not okay at all."

and-- he's right, it's not okay, it's beyond tragic

also scary

mike didn't have a plan did he

Singeli

pat is careful, so very careful. he's had a couple of kids come out to him over the years. most of their parents didn't take it well

but it wasn't-- it was never like this.

a couple of them spent some time at friends' houses, but mike is 16 and only moved here two years ago and pat knows he's had trouble making friends, he's watched the kids, and someone like mike usually isn't hanging around the youth center three days a week unless he hasn't got anything better to do

so pat decides to take a leaf out of jonny's book and puts the kettle on

just to keep his hands busy

<3 _ <3

pat

look at you

look at you being able to help

at least a little

you made a life for yourself

Singeli

he pours them both mugs of tea and sets one aside for jonny, the chamomile mint he likes before bed

i'm crying a little here

Singeli

he sits down next to mike, who's sitting with his head buried in his folded arms

"you're right, mike, it's not okay."

pat breathes in, breathes out. he's talked to so many kids, but mike is different.

"it's not okay that they told you to get out, because there is nothing wrong with you. but even if there were, parents aren't supposed to tell their kids to get out, and i guess that's what hurts the most."

is jonny listening in?

Singeli

he can feel jonny eavesdropping from the living room

bah

you know what i want to hear

Singeli

"mike," pat says, "i need you to look at me."

ahhhh

the past echoing

in the present

Singeli

mike raises his head. his face is blotchy, nose runny.

"mike. remember the conversation we had last year? about being honest with yourself?"

they'd read a novel by chris crutcher. it had led to a lively discussion by the teens about prejudice and discrimination.

(yes all the books)

Singeli

pat had let them lead it, discovering themes for themselves, articulating with difficulty the revolutionary idea that you are only responsible for your own actions, but that everyone has a responsibility to defend those who are marginalized

(not in so many words. these were 14, 15 year olds. but they got there, in the end, and that was what mattered.)

"yeah," mike croaks

pat smiles. "you know i'm also a youth pastor, right? over at [i forget the name because i'm terrible]?"

"wha-- oh, yeah, that's right."

my housemate just walked past and asked me what the expression on my face was for

Singeli

pat smiles a little to himself. it often surprises the kids at the youth center that their youth leader is gay, out, and a proud pastor of youth development at one of the local churches

perfect

Singeli

"one of my responsibilities is to take care of my neighbor, wherever i see the need. if you need a place to stay, tonight or any other night, i've got a guest bedroom that's awful empty. and tazer keeps threatening to get a dog, which would be awful."

mike gives a watery chuckle.

:')

Singeli

"up to you," pat says, careful to inject just the right amount of carelessness in his voice.

"but it'd be a shame for you to be out on your own tonight. the temperature's dropping and all. you don't have to stay forever, but the spare bedroom and bathroom are all yours."

mike bites his lip. pat can see him debating.

pat's heart is in his throat

what if he walks away

Singeli

pat's already making plans in his head in case mike decides to head out. he'll call casey at the police department, have her keep an eye on the kid, casey's a sweetheart, she won't force him to go home and she'll probably keep him at the station overnight, stuffing him with croissants from the bakery, whining about her paperwork til he falls asleep.
but. mike doesn't just need shelter. he doesn't just need to be phyiscally safe. pat casts around desperately.
"tazer's good with it, too, after all, he took me in when i wasn't much older'n you."

mike looks up, startled

yeah, mike, pat didn't *always* have everything figured out

Singeli

pat gives a wry smile. "yeah, i was a bit of a mess, i wasn't even brave enough to tell my folks."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH PAT TELL MIKE HE'S BRAVE

Singeli

"did, uh, did you ever..."

"tell my folks? yeah. some of my sisters are okay with me'n'jonny. my parents... i won't lie to you, mike, things aren't great. but they're so much better than they were when i was hiding."

<3 <3 <3

Singeli

[sorry idk what you have head canon'd wrt pat's parents]

idk either

heh

Singeli

"so, how about it? stick around tonight, i can drop you off at the center in the morning?" pat offers

(pat's lying, he has no intention of letting mike drop off the radar)

"really?" mike says, "you sure? it's no trouble?"

ohhh mike

people will still want you around

Singeli

"please, kid, tazer's the worst trouble of anyone in this house. so long as you don't talk to him before this third cup of morning coffee, you're golden."

"yeah, uh, if you're sure it's not a problem or anything, just. tonight would be great."

pat almost cries with relief.

he shows mike the guest bed and bath, digs up a couple of old shirts and sweatpants ("just in case you want something more comfortable"), is careful to show mike the locks on the doors

the locks

omg

mike u r safe here

(was mike's dad a super-jerk??)

Singeli

mike follows him into the den, like a somewhat bewildered duckling

I mean was he scary?

Singeli

(mike's dad was scary in that he was big, and super macho, and verbally abusive, but pat knows that some people think gay = pedophile, and that's a hard thing for a kid to weigh when he's deciding if he's safer on the street, pat isn't sure what mike thinks, but he wants to cover all his bases just to be safe)

iiii just want to give everyone in that house a hug

Singeli

"hey, jonny, mike's gonna stay the night, maybe a coupla days."

(jonny, of course, has been paying no attention to the blackhawks whatsoever and has been cheating and eavesdropping with all his might)

"glad to have you, man, kaner's always going on about how great all you guys are down at the center"

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Singeli

mike glances at kaner. kaner blushes.

he covers by dropping beside jonny on the sofa, curling up into his side. jonny stretches his arm around kaner's shoulder.

awwwww

Singeli

"i think we're probably gonna finish the game and then turn in," pat says, "you're welcome to join, but if you wanna head to bed that's good, too."

mike gingerly settles into the armchair

pat's pretty sure he pays no attention to the game, stealing glances at pat and jonny, the way they're tucked against each other, they way jonny makes fun of pat's celly when the hawks score

they way it's so utterly *normal*

by the end of the game, mike's nodding off where he sits, and kaner is blinking back yawns.

jonny turns off the tv

i CANNOT DEAL W/ THE CUTE (/heartbreak)

Singeli

"it is time," he announces, "for everyone in this house to be in bed."

"that is extremely rich coming from the person in this house who is most likely to be comatose until 11 am" pat quips

pat turns to mike. "c'mon, bud, much as i hate to admit it, jonny's right"
"i am always right" jonny says loftily. pat ruins it by sticking an elbow in his ribs. jonny pouts at him.

somehow, they casually sweep mike off in front of them. as he goes to close the guest bedroom door behind him, he pauses.

"pat... thanks. for, you know, this, and dinner and all--"

"mike," pat says firmly, "anytime. i mean it. whatever happens in the next few days, this room is yours."

"i..." mike swallows hard, and kaner makes a snap judgment. he steps forward and puts his hand on mike's shoulder.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Singeli

"we're here for you. we're on your side, whatever that happens to be, and it's okay if you don't know yet."

miiiiiiiiiiiike

all the hugs

Singeli

"it's an open invitation," jonny says, "no takebacks."

NO TAKEBACKS

he would say that

Singeli

mike nods. "thanks. thanks, guys, i... just. yeah. thanks."

pat looks at him seriously. "anytime. mike, this is what i am here for, as a youth leader, as a pastor, as human being. okay?"

"okay."

jonny is secretly bursting w/ pride right

that pat can say that

Singeli

"g'night, mike. we're just down the hall if you need anything"

ahhh

like parents

kind of

not really

not mike's parents

but

Singeli

mike gives a half-smile. "good night" he whispers, before closing the door

when they get to their own bedroom, pat folds

he's in jonny's arms, shaking with relief and anger and grief, and jonny's there, his arms holding pat together

:'( // :')

Singeli

the solidity of his body reminding pat of the life they've built together, the *goodness* of it

jonny undresses pat slowly, and pat lets him suddenly too tired to stay on his feet

they crawl into bed, and pat tucks himself against jonny's side, his head over jonny's heart

listening to his heartbeat

this solid thing

something to trust

Singeli

together, in the dark, quietly, they cry. it's sorrow and comfort mixed together

yeah. good but not simple

not in the least

Singeli

crying not for themselves, they've made their peace with their families as much as they ever will

but for mike, and his parents, and all that came unmade in the past 24 hours

but they're also tears of gratitude that mike accepted pat's invitation, that he isn't wandering the streets in the middle of the night, lonely and scared and vulnerable

yeah.

relief.

Singeli

jonny kisses pat's forehead, and pat is filled with a fierce swell of love for this man, who didn't even need to be asked

"for whatever you did for the least of these," jonny murmurs, and pat can feel the rumble of jonny's voice throughhis chest

OH MY GOD

THEY ARE OKAY

THE KIDS ARE OKAY

THEY MADE IT

i am legit tearing up right now

Singeli

he squeezes jonny's hand. the morning will come, and with it a whole host of decisions and responsibilities, but for now, in this moment, they are safe, and mike is safe, and it is all okay

I love this

i love this so much

Singeli

in case you were wondering how in my head jonny and pat end up becoming licensed foster parents and running a shelter for runaway homeless lgbt youth

this is how it happens

this is a very good "how it happens"

man

all of a sudden

i just had this weird sense of a whole universe expanding inside me

like the story just spun out in all directions years and years

like there are so many stories left to tell

which was a pretty cool feeling

(thanks)

Singeli

you are so very welcome! thank you for letting me see this story unfold

also uh i think i took up a good chunk of your editing time so sorry about that!

dude this was SO worth it

seriously

i'm feelin' preeeetty happy rn

Singeli

the kids are doing alright

yeahhh

Singeli

or, well, you know, they will be. eventually.

... people kept walking past me while you were typing

and looking at me funny

one of the girls in my house & her girlfriend are here tonight

and half the time when they would come in the kitchen where i'm sitting i would be like D:

and 20% of the time my hands were over my face

and the rest of the time i was beaming

they are confused

Singeli

aww <3

one of them said 'you're making a terrible face' right near the part where pat said 'no one was coming to get you'

and i was just like IF YOU ONLY KNEW

Singeli

i honestly don't know when mike popped into my head

probably when i was lying in bed after having finished my first read-through of chapter 2, and i was thinking that it was the perfect ending, you couldn't really end it anywhere else unless you wanted to write a novel

but at the same time i needed to know, for my own satisfaction, that they were gonna be okay

and i was thinking about the article i posted (or reblogged from you? i can't remember) a few months ago before you started this fic

the one from the atlantic, about homeless lgbt youth, and i thought

oh the homeless teen one?

yeah

Singeli

yeah

yeah so i thought "i want them to create a safe space, for at least one child."

yeah. that would be -- such a good thing, both in general, but also for them specifically

to feel like they could help

use their own trauma for something good

Singeli

and be for someone else the person that they needed

yeah.

and they would have so much to give

Singeli

ease the transition, facilitate reconciliation where possible

but be a steady, safe heart and home when it's not

mmhmm.

i want their kitchen to be yellow

bright

happy

people want to sit at their table and talk

Singeli

seabs and duncs made the table for them as a housewarming present

Singeli

jonny painted the kitchen himself

also there's a half-overgrown concrete pad in the backyard & jonny builds a basketball net

sometimes kids come over & play

Singeli

it's a good neighborhood, leanne recommended it to them when they first started looking

for a while after they move in it seems sort of like a dream

that they ended up here

together

in a neighborhood with kids running around

life bursting at the seams, everywhere

i bet they sit on the porch together in the summer

and jonny plays his guitar

and patrick lies there, slightly sweaty, dreaming of all the things he wants to add to the youth center

Singeli

the sounds of kids and crickets a gentle background

honeysuckle in the air

Singeli

or, well

it's gentle until the first time a ball comes flying across their yard and onto their porch

the kids aren't sure how to react

the new neighbors are an unknown quantity

as all new neighbors are

Singeli

are they gonna yell?

are they gonna keep the ball?

are they gonna demand to speak to The Parents?

heaven forbid!

but jonny probably whips it back at them

and then sets his guitar down and leaps off the porch

patrick laughs

and then follows him

Singeli

"you call that a pass?" patrick calls

the kids think it's hilarious

Singeli

"what, like you can show me how it's done?" jonny responds

and oh, it is on

these two grown men trashtalking each other

Singeli

it is ON

like kids

it gets dark late

but they play until the fireflies are out

and parents are starting to shout for their kids to come home

i feel like patrick is probably still ... surprised

when he feels this happy

Singeli

aw pat

he looks at jonny standing out there in their new backyard in the twilight. 'tell me we'll never get used to it,' he says, which is a funny way to phrase it but jonny knows what he means. just -- to be grateful, maybe. just to be grateful.

that it turned out like this.

Singeli

to savor every single moment

exactly.

happy sigh

i feel pleasantly exhausted

that was a lot of worldbuilding & i wasn't even doing the heavy lifting

Singeli

i feel so much better about my hectic day now

oh good <3

i am feeling very sleepy all of a sudden

i think i may have to go to bed soon